Bulls vs All Blacks was always likely to end one way. Somewhere in South Africa this morning, a rugby influencer is scrolling through his own comments section with the enthusiasm of a man reading his own autopsy.
Before kick-off at Loftus Versfeld, in a series of videos posted to Instagram this week, he made a bet. If the Bulls beat the All Blacks, happy days. If they lost, he would do whatever the top comment on his post told him to do. Open-ended. Binding. No get-out clause.
The official All Blacks account replied with a suggestion: get a tattoo.
View the original bet on Instagram
The renegotiation
To his credit, he spotted the problem immediately. He came back with a counter-offer — a signed jersey if the Bulls won, to balance out the risk.
The All Blacks account was not in a giving mood. “Bro is already renegotiating and the game hasn’t even been played,” it fired back.
Then the game was played.
View the All Blacks reply on Instagram
Bulls vs All Blacks: how 50–19 happened
It was 24–0 at half-time. The All Blacks scored eight tries on their way to a 50–19 win, a third straight victory on the Rugby’s Greatest Rivalry tour, and the margin never really looked like closing once Loftus had been quieted.
The Bulls were not disgraced. They defended the early maul brilliantly, Marcell Coetzee made a rampaging run that had the ground on its feet, and they crossed through a slick Rudolph–Bosch–Jacobs move. But a second-string All Blacks side, captained for the first time by Codie Taylor with Josh Jacomb at first five and Beauden Barrett at fullback, was simply too sharp.
Which is a long way of saying: the bet is settled, and it did not settle his way.
It also completes a clean sweep of the warm-up leg. The All Blacks beat the Stormers in Cape Town, then dismantled the Sharks 54–0 in a rain-soaked Durban, and have now put 50 on the Bulls at altitude. Three matches, three wins, and a combined scoreline that has done nothing to calm the nerves of South African supporters ahead of the Test series.
The All Blacks social team is having a tour
View the renegotiation on Instagram
The rugby has been one-sided so far. The content has been worse.
There is a version of a national team’s social account that posts the teamsheet, thanks the fans and goes to bed. This is not that account. It saw an opening, suggested permanent bodily modification, and then refused to accept a renegotiation from a man who had not yet lost.
For New Zealand supporters, it has been one of the small pleasures of a tour that is going well anyway. The forwards are winning. The social team is unbeaten.
It works because it is not punching down. He is a well-known voice in South African rugby with a real following, he started the exchange himself, and he has kept his sense of humour throughout. That is the difference between banter and a pile-on, and everyone involved has stayed on the right side of it.
So — does he actually have to get it done?
That is the bit nobody has answered yet.
The bet was that the top comment decides, and the All Blacks account only made a suggestion. It was never the ruling. Whatever ends up at the top of that thread is what he has agreed to, and there is nothing stopping the comments landing somewhere gentler, or considerably worse.
He has taken it in good spirit throughout, which is the reason this is funny rather than grim. He set the terms himself, in public, knowing exactly who was watching.
The All Blacks meet the Springboks at Ellis Park on 22 August. If anyone fancies a wager on that one, the advice from Loftus is simple: read your own terms first.
Over to you
So what should it be? A tattoo? A haka lesson at Loftus? The All Blacks jersey worn for a full week in Pretoria? Tell us in the comments — and be reasonable, because somebody out there is actually going to have to do it.
